I did well

Finally felt proud of myself again. I finished answering seminar questions, I edited an article and will send it to the teacher soon, I wrote all my parts of the lab report yesterday… It goes slowly, but I’m doing something and not wasting a day on nothing.♥

And I started to floss my teeth again and I will go to bed soon before it’s way too late. Maybe I’ll be myself again soon.
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Selfies

Because I feel like having them on my blog too. A few of my favorites from fall and winter this year.

And I got my first glasses this weekend!

Trying to accept

Jag har långsamt accepterat att jag inte kommer ta min kandidatexamen detta läsår och inte kommer göra något examensarbete, men jag har inte accepterat det helt. Jag vill inte stanna här i Uppsala och trodde jag skulle ta mig härifrån efter tre år… men det verkar inte bli så längre. Och det blir inte lättare att acceptera situationen när resten av klassen pratar om sina examensarbeten de ska påbörja i vår, om hur examensceremonin ska gå till och när vi ska ha vår examensgasque. Först visste jag inte om jag vill gå, men å andra sidan så har det varit min klass i tre år… och jag lär inte få någon gasque nästa år när jag tar min examen. Så det är lika bra att gå tänker jag. Jag går ju aldrig på nåt ändå. Den enda gasque jag har gått på var min n0llegasque på KTH.

Jag har tänkt. Om jag klarar av alla tentor och omtentor i år inklusive sommaren så kommer jag inte ha någonting att göra i ca 7 månader innan jag kan starta examensarbetet på våren. Det är inte kul, men så kan det bli om allt går som det ska. Så under den tiden skulle jag kunna försöka hjälpa till på ett labb. Jag vet inte vem som skulle vilja ha hjälp av mig i några få månader och som saknar en kandidatexamen, men jag kan ju alltid försöka. Jag vet inte om jag vill försöka utomlands eller på hemmaplan. En kompis i USA talade så väl om hur många labb det fanns på hennes universitet och hur varje student får en egen handledare + projekt under deras studietid, så det kanske kan vara lätt att hitta något där. Fördelen är att jag får någonting att göra, jag får erfarenhet från utomlands (som är jätteviktigt att ha på CV:t för så många) och, om jag väljer det universitetet, en kompis. Vilket jag inte riktigt har här i Uppsala. Nackdelen är att familjen kommer vara långt borta oavsett vilket land jag än väljer och det kommer  bli dyrt. Om jag istället väljer att stanna hemma så skulle jag vilja hjälpa ett labb på KI. Jag kan bo hemma, spara pengar, nära till familj och vänner och jag kan visa att jag har hjälpt till på KI när jag söker min masterutbildning där. Nackdelen… att jag inte kan visa att jag har någon erfarenhet från utomlands.

Jag får leta efter intressanta forskningsprojekt och läsa artiklar i vår innan jag bestämmer mig för vilka jag vill kontakta. Och sedan kan jag göra mitt kandidatarbete på Karolinska så slipper jag tänka på boende i Uppsala igen och komma till Uppsala när jag ska redovisa arbetet och ta emot mitt examensbevis.

Nu måste jag sova, klockan är sen. Ville bara dela med mig av mina tankar.


I have slowly accepted that I won’t graduate this year and I won’t make my bachelor’s project, but I haven’t completely accepted it. I don’t wanna stay here in Uppsala and I thought I’d be away from here after three years… but it doesn’t seem to end like that anymore. And the situation isn’t getting better when the class is talking about their bachelor’s projects they’ll work on this spring, how the graduation ceremony will be like and when we’ll have our graduation party. I wasn’t sure at first if I wanted to go or not, but on one hand they’ve been my class for three years… and I won’t likely get another party next year when I graduate. So I think I better go. I never go out anyway. The only party I went to was the welcome party at my previous university, KTH/Royal Institute of Technology.

I’ve been thinking. If I manage to pass all my exams and re-exams this year including the summer, I won’t have anything to do for approximately 7 months before I can start my bachelor’s project in spring. It’s not fun, but that how it might be if everything goes as it should. So during that time, I’d like to help a lab. I don’t know who’d like help for only a few months and lacks a bachelors degree, but I can always try. I don’t know if I wanna try overseas or stay here at home. A friend in the US spoke well about how many labs there are at her university and how every student get their own mentor/supervisor + project during their study time, so it might be easy to find something there. The pros are that I will have something to do, I get experience from overseas (which is really important to have on your CV for so many) and, if I choose that university, I get a friend. Which I don’t really have here in Uppsala. The cons are that my family will be further away regardless of which country I choose and it’ll be expensive. If I instead choose to stay home, I’d look for a lab to help at Karolinska Institute. I can live at home, save money, it’s close to family and friends and I can show that I’ve been helping at KI when I apply for my master’s there. The con… is that I can’t show that I have experience from overseas.

I will have to look for interesting research and read articles this spring before I decide who I want to contact. And then I can do my bachelor’s project at Karolinska so I won’t have to worry about accomodation in Uppsala again and just come back to Uppsala when I have to present my project and collect my diploma.

I have to sleep now, it’s getting late. I just wanted to share my thoughts.

Late night thoughts – what if?

Jag är en sådan person som går runt mycket och tänker på en massa. Som saker jag inte ska glömma bort, om situationer som aldrig kommer hända, konversationer som aldrig kommer hållas… för det mesta är det musikrelaterat. För jag är en fangirl trots allt. Så när jag var i duschen tänkte jag just på sånt, om saker som inte kommer hända.
Jag vill så gärna plugga vidare och ta en masterexamen, helst vid något bra universitet, och jag drömmer ganska stort. Vilket är bra tänker jag mig för man ska alltid satsa på det bästa alternativet och drömma stort. Men jag vet också att jag inte har högsta betyg i allt och ligger efter mycket nu för tiden med tentorna. Och jag vet att jag knappt har någon erfarenhet utöver labbarna på kurserna. Så samtligt tänker jag att det inte är någon idé att ens tänka tanken.

Jag tänker också att jag kommer klara av den här tentan i statistik – har jag gått på KTH så ska jag väl klara av det här. Men jag vet också att jag mer eller mindre misslyckades med alla mattekurserna där. Och jag vet att jag måste klara av den här kursen, för jag vet inte vad som skulle hända annars. Och jag vet inte vad jag skulle göra då.

Så just nu går tankarna runt med flera olika ”tänk om…”. Tänk om jag inte klarar av tentan? Tänk om jag inte får fortsätta vidare? Tänk om jag spenderar mer än fyra år på universitet utan att ha lyckats ta en kandidatexamen? Tänk om jag måste göra ingenting under ett år, vad skulle jag göra då? Ingen skulle vilja anställa mig. Tänk om jag måste börja om allting igen? Vad skulle jag göra då i så fall?

Jag vet att det mesta bara är orosmoln och allting kommer inte att inträffa, men ändå. Jag gillar inte att leva i osäkerhet.

———————-

I’m one of those persons who thinks a lot. About things I mustn’t forget, about situations that will never happen, about conversations that will never be spoken… they’re mostly music related. I’m a fangirl after all. So when I was in the shower, I just thought about such things, things that will never happen.

I really want to continue studying and get a masters, preferably at some great university, and I dream quite big. Which is good I guess because you should always go for the best alternative and dream big. But I also know that I don’t have the highest grades in every class and are quite behind on my exams these days. And I barely have any experience apart from the course labs. So at the same time, I’m thinking that it’s no use to even dream about such things.

I also think that I will pass this exam on statistics – if I was a student at the Royal Institute of Technology/KTH, I should pass this. But I also know that I more or less failed all my classes there that involved math. And I know that I have to pass this exam because I don’t know what would happen otherwise. And I don’t know what I would do in that case.

So at the moment, my thoughts are tumbling around with lots of what ifs. What if I don’t pass the exam? What if I’m not allowed to continue? What if I spend more than four years in university without getting a bachelors degree? What if I have to do nothing for a year, what would I do then? Nobody would hire me. What if I have to start over all again? What would I do in that case? 

I know that these are just thoughts and all of it won’t happen, but still. I don’t like living uncertain of the future.

25 minutes ago

I have another oral presentation tomorrow and I haven’t practiced enough because I studied for this re-exam on Thursday that I’m gonna fail and I have too much I wanna say in too little time and I just feel so bad, I just kind of speed talk through it all and I hope people will be able to follow me and it’s in English but I think I’m gonna do fine (I kinda start talking with a British (?) accent when I do presentations sometimes like whut??) and I just feel bad about everything and now I’m stressing myself up and I won’t be able to sleep and it’s time this way-too-long sentence comes to an end.

I’ve been crying three nights straight now ffs, what’s wrong with me, it’s only an education, I should be happy that I’m able to study more or less for free. I’m messed up.

And now I can’t practice on my presentation anymore because I’m sobbing. Sigh.

Let me be honest

Jag har inte skrivit här på länge och jag har inte mått så toppen på sistone heller. Vissa dagar är bättre än andra, men det finns en sak som hela tiden finns kvar i huvudet och som jag tänker på mer eller mindre dagligen. Jag vet inte hur ofta jag kommer skriva mer här de kommande månaderna (känner mest att det skulle ta tid från eventuellt plugg), men jag vill ändå visa det här. Skrev det först på Lanaboards.com och därför är det på engelska, men det får ni stå ut med.

I haven’t written here for quite some time now and I haven’t really been on my best mood for a while either. Some days are better than others, but there is one thing that keep staying in my mind and I think about it more or less daily. I don’t know how often I’ll write here the upcoming months (mostly because I feel like it would take time from studying), but I still have to show this. I wrote it first on Lanaboards.com and it’s in English.


28 September 2017

I noticed that some of the worst times in my life have been when I can’t tell what my future will be like. I think we all have pictured how we want our lives to be, what we want to do and how we’re gonna get there. And for me, everytime that “plan” doesn’t go as I had hoped to, it’s as if the world crashes because I don’t know what my life is going to look like within the upcoming months. It has happened a few times, and it makes me devestated every time.

This time, I’m not sure if I’m going to graduate with my class or not. Everything went downhill since my dad passed away and I didn’t really have enough credits to continue to my final year but they were kind enough to let me since that was my wish and I had a reason to why I failed some classes.

Anyway, apparently I have too few credits to do my bachelor’s project which will start in spring. I need to pass all the classes this semester and 1 big one from last year, and I don’t know if I’m going to make it. I’m already lost in this class, but I’m gonna try my best to pass it in two weeks. I have to. *

The thing is that we need to find supervisors ourselves and make up the project but I can’t even look for a supervisor because I don’t know if I will be allowed to do it or not. How can I start looking? I can’t really tell a professor “I might do it, please wait for me”.

I don’t know what my life will look like after Christmas when most of the exams have been written. I can’t picture myself in the short future because I have no idea what it will be like. Will I have passed the exams? Will I be able to find a supervisor with short notice? Will I even graduate this year or do I have to stay here where I don’t feel like home for another year?

I don’t feel like I can talk about it with any classmates because everyone’s talking about this project and it would make me feel even worse. I don’t wanna tell mom about my situation. I told one of my brothers. **

I just feel like a lousy student and I’m mad that everything has gone so wrong since dad died. I want to do my best for him, to make him proud, and I know it sounds stupid because he’s not here anymore. I just… don’t wanna fail. I don’t wanna explain in case some future employer looks in my CV and it’s gonna say that I needed 4 years instead of 3 to get my bachelor’s.

I don’t know. Things usually gets solved in one way or another, but I just hate this. Being so uncertain of the future. And I should be happy because I’m studying what I really wanted to and I’m privileged enough to get an education. But. Yeah. I’m overthinking stuff I guess.

Ok, hopefully I’ll stop crying soon and stop thinking about it so I can go to bed.

* I did write it and I can say that it was one of the worst exams I’ve ever written, if not the worst.

** I’ve told both of them by now.

Time to change

Jag måste verkligen ändra mina vanor. Hur mycket jag än säger det till mig själv så går det inte så jag tänkte att det kanske fungerar om jag skriver ned det istället, haha.

Jag måste sluta lägga mig så sent och ligga i sängen kl 22 som jag brukade göra. Och jag måste sluta trycka på snooze-knappen – det blir bara värre. I fredags försov jag mig, cyklade snabbt till labbet och fick veta att jag var en timme för tidig. Så kan det gå. X___X Så om jag lägger mig i tid så behöver jag inte snooza och råka somna om. Problemet löst.

Jag måste också fokusera på att plugga ordentligt. Jag ska börja med en timer som ska hjälpa mig idag. Jag ligger efter med att läsa igenom föreläsningarna igen men allt annat som labbrapporter, seminariefrågor, fall och seminarieliknande föreläsningar hinner jag med. Men jag måste hitta en handledare till mitt examensarbete och även plugga igenom vävnadsbiologi och embryologi-kursen igen… omtentan är 1 eller 2 veckor efter den här kursen. Man kan lugnt säga att jag har mycket att göra och känner mig smått stressad.

Hur som helst, det är min tur att städa studentlägenheten så jag jag börja med det denna söndagsförmiddag – hoppas er dag blir roligare!


I really have to change my habits. No matter how much I tell myself to do that, it’s not working so I thought it might work if I write it down instead, haha.

I have to stop going to bed so late and be in bed at 22 o’clock/10PM just like I used to do. And I have to stop pressing the snooze button – it just makes things worse. I overslept last Friday, biked really fast to the lab and was told I arrived one hour too early. Not so good. X___X So if I go to bed in a reasonable time, I don’t have to press the snooze button and risk going back to sleep. Problem solved.

And I also have to start focusing on studying properly. I will start with a timer to help me today. I’m behind with reading the lectures again but I’m still ok with everything else like lab reports, seminar questions, case studies and seminar-styled lectures. But I have to find a supervisor for my bachelor’s project and also read the lectures of the tissue biology and embryology course again… the re-exam is 1 or 2 weeks after this class. You can say that I have a lot to do and am feeling a bit stressed.

Anyway, it’s my turn to clean the student apartment so I will start with that this Sunday morning – I hope your day will be more fun!

A slow start

Hejsan!

Som vanligt har jag inte skrivit på ett tag igen. Jag har, som vanligt, varit upptagen med annat och åkt hem på helgerna… men nu skriver jag lite igen.

Termin tre har dragit igång för två veckor sedan med kursen Farmakologi och läkemedelskemi. Ska jag vara ärlig så är kemi inte med starkaste sida (ni kanske minns fick jag kämpa lite grann med tentan för organisk kemi) men jag ska försöka klara av den nu. Tillsammans med en omtenta från förra året som jag inte hann med under sommaren. Suck.

Trots att det har börjat så känner jag att jag fortfarande inte har kommit in i pluggkänslan än. Ibland känner jag verkligen att det ska bli kul att lära sig nya saker, men känslan från förra terminen och nu under sommaren finns kvar… jag måste bli av med den snart, annars blir det här en jobbig termin.

Igår var det förresten kulturnatten här i Uppsala och det hölls en massa aktiviteter runtom i stan, även på dagen också förstås. Jag gick omkring och såg live framträdanden på flera scener här och var, några akrobattjejer som gjorde volter i luften, suktades av alla foodtrucks och gottgott… och besökte även universitetets nya byggnad Segerstedshuset, Upplandsmuseet och Linnéträdgården. Upplandsmuseet var sådär, de hade lite utställningar om Uppsala och tätorter, om miljonprogrammet och viktiga badplatser från förr i Öregrund och Östhammar. Linnéträdgården kändes mer spännande för min del, jag ville gå in i somras men de tar entréavgift och jag kände inte att det skulle vara värt det. Men igår var det fritt inträde till alla museer (tror jag?) så då passade jag på. Riktigt vackert! Tyvärr hade förstås en del växter börjar att vissna, och inne i Orangeriet spelade de Taikotrummor så jag kom inte in… men jag gick in i en replika av Linnés hem istället. Coolt!

Och idag, söndag, har jag bara varit hemma och tagit det lugnt… när jag egentligen borde ha pluggat. Ugh.


Hi!

I haven’t written much here again as usual. I have, as usual, been busy with other things and travelled home on the weekends… but I’ll write a little now.

Semester 3 started two weeks ago with the course Pharmacology and drug chemistry. To be honest, chemistry isn’t exaclty my strongest subject (you might remember that I had to struggle a bit with the exam for organic chemistry) but I’ll try to pass it. Together with another exam that I failed last year and didn’t have time to write this summer. Sigh.

 

Even though school has started, I still don’t feel like I’m in that study-feeling yet. Sometimes I really feel like it’s going to be fun to learn new things, but that feeling from last semester lingers… I have to get rid of it soon or this semester is going to be a heavy one.

By the way, yesterday was the culture night here in Uppsala and a lot of activities were held in the city, during the day as well of course. I walked around and saw live performances on several stages across the city centre, a few acrobatic girls who made jumps in the air, looked at all the foodtrucks and sweets… and also payed the university’s new building Segerstedshuset, Upplandsmuseet (museum of the country Uppsala and Stockholm lies in, I noticed that a lot of their texts were not available in English) and the Linneaus Garden a visit. The museum was so-so, they had a few exhibitions about Uppsala and it’s agglomerations, about the Million Programme and important baths in the old times in Öregrund and Östhammar. The Linneaus Garden was much more interesting to me, I wanted to go there this summer but they take an entrance fee and I didn’t feel like it was worth the money. But yesterday it was free entrance for all museums (I think?) so I went inside. It was really beautiful! Unfortunately most of the plants had naturally already started to wither, and Taiko drums were played inside the Orangery so I couldn’t get in… but I went inside a replica of Carl Linneaus’/Carolus Linneaus’ home instead. Cool!

And today, Sunday, I’ve just stayed at home and chilled… when I should have studied instead. Ugh.

 

A Head Full Of Dreams – Gothenburg, 2017

WILL BE UPDATED SOON WHEN I HAVE ACCESS TO MY PICTURES AGAIN!

I’m gonna write this in English as it would take too much time to write in both Swedish and English.

Earlier this summer, my brother, his fiancée, mom and I traveled across the country to Gothenburg to see Coldplay on their “A Head Full Of Dreams” tour. If you have read my blog, you may remember that my bro and I saw Coldplay on the same tour last summer, but in our hometown Stockholm.

We lived in a central apartment and no, it doesn’t have anything to do with the concert itself, but it was too gorgeous to not mention. Just look and these pictures! Mom found it on AirBnB.

[insert pictures]

Three of us had GA/standing tickets for one of the shows (25 June (mom had a seating ticket)) and we got ready in the morning and left the apartment for start queuing outside the arena for getting a good spot. Unfortunately, it started raining as soon as we stepped outside and weren’t perfectly prepared for it. I had my rain jacket, but my brother and his fiancée tried to stay dry with ponchos… that broke. We used one to sit on the ground instead. The rain stopped eventually but only to come back every now and then through the whole day. It was insane! 10 degrees Celsius with strong winds switching from rain to moments of sunshine… perfect weather for catching a cold.

The merchandise and t-shirts were more or less the same as last year if I remember correctly, and I got myself a rainbow flower shirt that I wanted last year.

Everyone complained about the weather (thankfully we bought some blankets and towels to keep us warm… it really was a nightmare). And it didn’t stop after getting inside the arena either.

Inside, after founding some great spots to stay at, we befriended some other fans and two Danish women. The women had VIP tickets and gotten some special merchandise – I remember their coloring book and pencils the best. Apparently there were no VIP standing area, which other tour stops had according to the women, and made them a bit sad. Why paying more money if you aren’t going to stay closer to the band than the rest?

And the horrible weather continued.  One of the pre-acts had to cancel (I swear that I saw rain POUR onto their keyboard from the plastic tent above them!), a girl fainted, Sarah (my brother’s fiancée) was shivering, my brother was shivering, nobody was warm and the mood was lousy. As the thought that was in everybody’s mind was: will Coldplay even be able to play in this weather?

Luckily, the rain stopped a bit when they finally entered the stage and everyone, and I mean everyone, seemed to be filled with energy again. Nobody cared about how awful the weather had been anymore… and a rainbow appeared to match Coldplay’s colorful stage!

Since I had seen the same show last year, I wasn’t that enthusiastic this time (and I blame the weather on ruining my mood too) and couldn’t help but feeling like it was better then. Perhaps because it was my first time seeing them live and I was more excited. However, I did cry again, not when Clocks played, but when Everglow was performed. Martin’s words about how this song is for everyone who hasn’t made it and passed away and the actual lyrics made me think of my dad. So, I shed some tears and tried to not think about it for the next songs.

[insert YouTube fan cam of everglow]

As thanks for being one of the best audiences they’ve had (standing in pouring rain and cold temperatures all day long), Coldplay promised to perform the best show they’ve ever had and also made us a song! It was really funny and not so bad at all, and I think everyone in Ullevi arena appreciated it.

[insert fan cam of song for fans]

However, after the confetti bombs and huge balloons, the show came to an end and we were relieved to go back to our rented apartment, warm ourselves up and then go to sleep. We slept so well that night… unfortunately we had to wake up early for the train back home to Stockholm. But we slept on the train and also in our own beds at home. ❤️

White Xylobands glowing in the night. Me holding me brother’s hand.