Jag har inte skrivit här på länge och jag har inte mått så toppen på sistone heller. Vissa dagar är bättre än andra, men det finns en sak som hela tiden finns kvar i huvudet och som jag tänker på mer eller mindre dagligen. Jag vet inte hur ofta jag kommer skriva mer här de kommande månaderna (känner mest att det skulle ta tid från eventuellt plugg), men jag vill ändå visa det här. Skrev det först på Lanaboards.com och därför är det på engelska, men det får ni stå ut med.
I haven’t written here for quite some time now and I haven’t really been on my best mood for a while either. Some days are better than others, but there is one thing that keep staying in my mind and I think about it more or less daily. I don’t know how often I’ll write here the upcoming months (mostly because I feel like it would take time from studying), but I still have to show this. I wrote it first on Lanaboards.com and it’s in English.
28 September 2017
I noticed that some of the worst times in my life have been when I can’t tell what my future will be like. I think we all have pictured how we want our lives to be, what we want to do and how we’re gonna get there. And for me, everytime that “plan” doesn’t go as I had hoped to, it’s as if the world crashes because I don’t know what my life is going to look like within the upcoming months. It has happened a few times, and it makes me devestated every time.
This time, I’m not sure if I’m going to graduate with my class or not. Everything went downhill since my dad passed away and I didn’t really have enough credits to continue to my final year but they were kind enough to let me since that was my wish and I had a reason to why I failed some classes.
Anyway, apparently I have too few credits to do my bachelor’s project which will start in spring. I need to pass all the classes this semester and 1 big one from last year, and I don’t know if I’m going to make it. I’m already lost in this class, but I’m gonna try my best to pass it in two weeks. I have to. *
The thing is that we need to find supervisors ourselves and make up the project but I can’t even look for a supervisor because I don’t know if I will be allowed to do it or not. How can I start looking? I can’t really tell a professor “I might do it, please wait for me”.
I don’t know what my life will look like after Christmas when most of the exams have been written. I can’t picture myself in the short future because I have no idea what it will be like. Will I have passed the exams? Will I be able to find a supervisor with short notice? Will I even graduate this year or do I have to stay here where I don’t feel like home for another year?
I don’t feel like I can talk about it with any classmates because everyone’s talking about this project and it would make me feel even worse. I don’t wanna tell mom about my situation. I told one of my brothers. **
I just feel like a lousy student and I’m mad that everything has gone so wrong since dad died. I want to do my best for him, to make him proud, and I know it sounds stupid because he’s not here anymore. I just… don’t wanna fail. I don’t wanna explain in case some future employer looks in my CV and it’s gonna say that I needed 4 years instead of 3 to get my bachelor’s.
I don’t know. Things usually gets solved in one way or another, but I just hate this. Being so uncertain of the future. And I should be happy because I’m studying what I really wanted to and I’m privileged enough to get an education. But. Yeah. I’m overthinking stuff I guess.
Ok, hopefully I’ll stop crying soon and stop thinking about it so I can go to bed.
* I did write it and I can say that it was one of the worst exams I’ve ever written, if not the worst.
** I’ve told both of them by now.